Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Stop Thinking Like a Victim! Self-Pity is a Roadblock to Your Happiness and Self-Confidence

Casting yourself in the role of victim in your inner world and in your public persona is a straight shot to pain, disappointment and ineffectiveness. This misguided approach marginalizes your ability to live a fruitful, powerful and rewarding existence. It restricts your options, blocks your ability to make your goals and dreams come true and can weaken your confidence in yourself. Believing you are a victim and acting like one can have seriously negative effects on your relationships. Think for a moment about how people who immerse themselves in the victim role are not much fun to be around! 

Martin Seligman, the world-renowned Positive Psychologist, explains that "victimology" -- blaming our problems on other people and circumstances -- is directly related to the concept of learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is a well-documented phenomenon in which an individual does not believe that his/her actions matter in terms of how things turn out. The victim role is a form of self-pity. The Scottish philosopher Dr. Megan Reik explains, "There are few human emotions as warm, comforting and enveloping as self-pity. And nothing is more corrosive and destructive. There is only one answer; turn away from it and move on."
                                               
Are you are caught in this trap? If so, extricating yourself might just well be one of the healthiest changes you'll ever make. It is not only your right, but more importantly your responsibility, to decide if the victim role serves you or imprisons you. In my experience as a psychologist working with many clients, the victim role is a form of psychological paralysis.
 
No matter who or what has "done you wrong," it will not bring you psychological health and self-confidence to espouse the victim mentality. By definition, a victim is one who has been injured, destroyed, tricked, duped or given a raw deal; and even if you have experienced something devastating and/or patently unfair, this approach is absolutely not a viable solution.
 
Victims are often poisoned by resentment of others and self-denigration. If you have been seriously abused and cannot get past your injuries, I would recommend you seek professional help. This can be tough territory to go alone. Otherwise, get past it by looking at it from the power point. Power comes from letting these things go.
     
How do people get seduced by the victim role? I can think of some ways. There may be increased attention from others who feel sorry for the self-anointed victim. Or feeling like a victim might serve as an excuse to avoid some circumstance that evokes fear or that is regarded as distasteful. Or perhaps, ensconcing oneself in this role is a way to feel special. Whatever the reason, it leads me to believe that we bipedal primates of the species, Homo sapiens, sometimes use our high-powered brains to "snooker" ourselves!
 
The victim role is yet another example of thoughts and beliefs gone amok. Just as in the other types of destructive self-talk, identify the thoughts, beliefs and expectations that are faulty, then counter them with an empowering, non-reactive discourse. Identify instances in your thinking and imagery in which you have ordained yourself the dreaded victim. Use distraction techniques, such as thought stopping, to reduce the frequency, intensity and duration of your misguided thinking and disputing techniques to challenge these clearly counterproductive thoughts and images. Develop visual imagery and a dialogue in which you are powerful, determined, brave and successful.
 
You can find more information on this subject in my book on Positive Psychology, It's Your Little Red Wagon... Six Core Strengths for Navigating Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams).
 
Seligman, M., (2002) Authentic Happiness The Free Press. New York, New York
 
Copyright 2009. Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D.

Stop Thinking Like a Victim! Self-Pity is a Roadblock to Your Happiness and Self-Confidence
Stop Thinking Like a Victim! Self-Pity is a Roadblock to Your Happiness and Self-Confidence
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Sharon S. Esonis, Ph.D., has spent close to three decades helping individuals thrive and improve their lives through her work as a licensed psychologist, author and life coach. An expert in human behavior and motivation, Dr. Esonis specializes in the burgeoning field of Positive Psychology, the scientific study of optimal human functioning and the core strengths that can lead to the achievement of one's personally-defined goals.

Her most recent book, "It's Your Little Red Wagon... 6 Core Strengths for Navigating Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams!)," is Dr. Esonis's contribution to the field of Positive Psychology, presenting proven success factors and strength-building techniques that can lead individuals to a life of purpose, motivation and happiness. It is available on Amazon.com.

Dr. Esonis earned her doctoral degree at Boston College and currently maintains a life coaching practice in the San Diego area. She also teaches Positive Psychology in the Extended Learning Program at California State University San Marcos. To learn more about the power of Positive Psychology and to order her latest book, visit her website at http://www.PositivePathLifeCoaching.com

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Friday, January 25, 2013

The Psychology of Happiness

A lot has been written about happiness and from psychology to philosophy, different theories of happiness have focused on issues of satisfaction, contentment, and even spiritual liberation. But happiness is one of the most subjective mental states and several factors could be at play when a person is truly happy. Whereas anger or fear could be defined with physical reactions and certain behavioural patterns, this is not so for happiness and that is how happiness is extremely subjective. For example one bar of chocolate could make one child happy whereas another child would want two chocolate bars to feel truly happy.

So why do we feel happy? Happiness is usually associated with some kind of gain or attainment. When we achieve or attain something, we feel satisfied and this triggers happiness. The attainment does not have to be material, it could very well be spiritual. It could even be bodily and physical, just as an insomniac person would feel happy after a good night's sleep. So, in defining happiness we have to locate a specific material, spiritual or physical gain or attainment and the contentment arising as a result of this attainment. The question would arise whether it is possible to be happy without any attainment. I would say that it is not possible to happy without attaining something and this attainment does not have to be immediate and could be related any past achievement. Now, you could say that you do know someone who is always happy without any specific reason. It's that you haven't found out the reason for his happiness. He may be a simple man with simple needs and happy after a warm bath or a nice meal, so that's still some attainment. So, happiness always involves some attainment or need fulfilment, however small or big that is.

Psychologists have used several models including bio psychosocial and PERMA models to explain happiness suggesting that happiness is attained when our biological, psychological and sociological needs are met or when there is pleasure (bodily for instance), engagement (in some activity for instance), relationships, meaning (for instance purpose of life) and accomplishments. These models suggest that happiness involves something deeper than just our fleeting pleasures. I would differ and suggest that happiness being extremely subjective, some people may just be happy attaining pleasures whereas some others would seek meaning or possibly accomplishments and relationships. So the level or type of attainment that makes one happy would vary from one person to another.

The Psychology of Happiness

Thus some people would be happy when their basic needs are fulfilled whereas some others would not be happy even after significant professional accomplishments as they may be expecting some other level or kind of achievement. Thus happiness largely depends on our subjective understanding of what it means to be happy. Since happiness is so subjective it cannot be strictly placed within models or frameworks although the underlying common factor that makes people happy is always some kind of attainment, gain or need fulfilment.

The next level of analysis would be whether happiness could be categorized to generalized happiness or a continued happy state of mind and specific happiness for attaining one of the specific pleasures or goals. I would suggest that there cannot be a generalized state of happiness without a specific reason. A seemingly happy person may not be genuinely happy or may be genuinely happy as he may have attained an exalted spiritual state or accumulated substantial wealth. So again as we see a continued state of happiness could also be explained with attainment.

The need fulfilment or attainment that triggers happiness could be biological such as bodily pleasures as when we quench our thirst, satisfy physical desires etc. The attainment could be social when we form relationships and feel happy or simply talk to strangers at a large event or remain engaged in social activity, or the attainment could be spiritual when we seek and even find some kind of spiritual liberation. The attainment or need fulfilment could be psychological when our love needs are fulfilled or when we reach our goals or fulfil our ambitions. The biological, psychological, social and spiritual aspects of attainment could provide happiness according to their needs. Thus happiness is intricately tied to our specific needs although these needs could be interrelated as for example the need for status or power could be both social and psychological.

Thus we distinguish the factors that could lead to happiness

1. Biological (bodily pleasures, basic needs)

2. Social (status, relationships, social activity and engagement)

3. Psychological (emotional, love, friendship, personal accomplishments)

4. Spiritual (finding meaning and purpose, transpersonal needs)

There could be several reactions to happiness and this could range from smiling to engaging in rigorous physical activity as happiness could mean a sudden surge in energy levels. People who engage in physical activity are more likely to be happy due to improved blood circulation and general good health. However happiness being an extremely subjective emotional state, in order to feel genuinely happy, some achievement in terms of long term goals such as love or conjugal life, wealth, spiritual liberation, or professional achievement could help a person to attain a continued happy state of mind. This is the prolonged state of happiness that has causes similar to any transient state of happiness although the effects could be long lasting. The people who have a prolonged state of happiness are generally lively, sporty, fun loving and optimistic. A child may show a prolonged state of happiness when adequate care and love are provided by their parents or carers. However transient states of happiness are more common as prolonged states of happiness could be interrupted by adverse life events so momentary joys and pleasures provide us with reassurance to accept and embrace life.

From a more psychoanalytic point of view, happiness would be related to desire, libido, our energy levels and even the defense mechanisms that we unconsciously use to vent out our frustration and thus remain happy or calm. Happiness would naturally raise our libidinal levels and make us more energetic and high levels of energy could in turn make us happy, so this process is cyclical. Several scientific studies have shown that happiness is directly related to our levels of energy.

Considering defense mechanisms, psychoanalysis could in a way suggest that happiness is actually acting out or reaction formation when we show certain reactions that may be completely opposite to what we feel. For example in reaction formation we may show happiness, when in reality we are sad or depressed. Although genuine happiness could be explained with psychoanalysis as well, as for example, an artist is genuinely happy when he can sublimate his desires to socially acceptable forms of expression through his creativity. A sportsman is genuinely happy when he can channel his aggressive or sexual desires through sport or rigorous activity. So these defense mechanisms in psychoanalysis could actually produce genuine happiness in people because of the inherent survival and coping strategies involved in these defenses.

Finally, happiness being a state of mind would be entirely subjective and would evoke extreme subjective reactions. For instance, someone laughs on hearing a joke and feel happy about it and someone else would be sarcastic or may not feel the same level of excitement. Whereas anger and other emotions could be explained in terms of physical responses, happiness usually does not have defined physical responses although there is a general positive feeling of well being and the physical responses could vary considerably. As I have stated on the psychology of emotions, it would be necessary to determine the components of feeling and bodily reaction for every emotion including happiness and psychology has an extensive research project to consider for the future.

The Psychology of Happiness
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Reflections in Psychology - Part I - by Saberi Roy (2009)
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Reflections in Psychology - Part II - by Saberi Roy (2011)
http://www.saberiroy.com

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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

How to Recover After a Breakup and Find Happiness Once More

Your relationship ended and now you're trying to figure out how to recover after a breakup. It's difficult trying to get over someone you love and move on with your life. Hopefully these tips can help you recover and realize that there's happiness even after a breakup.

Face your grief completely

No one wants to go through a breakup and face those feelings of depression, anger, and sadness. Such feelings can be so intense that you feel like it's literally ripping your heart in two. Sad to say, if you really want to recover from the heartache, then this is the way to do it.

How to Recover After a Breakup and Find Happiness Once More

What you need to remember is that these feelings won't last forever no matter how strong or intense they are. Once you are able to work through them, you will be in a better emotional state.

Don't be afraid of being single

Also, you shouldn't be afraid to grieve for the future that you lost. Sure, you may have had thoughts of spending your life with your ex but now those dreams turned to dust. You can still have a good future whether it's with someone else or by yourself.

That's right, you shouldn't be afraid to be single. Being single doesn't mean you're pathetic and you're all alone. After all, if you're not happy being single then you can never be happy in a relationship. Why? Because it means that you're not content with who you are. It could also mean that your happiness depends on whether you're in a relationship or not. You don't want to be one of those people who can't be happy without a boyfriend/girlfriend, do you?

What happened in the relationship?

Several things can cause the breakup:

· You and your ex were just not compatible

· You spend more and more time arguing and it's becoming stressful staying in the relationship

· You took each other for granted

· Someone cheated

· You had a wake-up call and you felt like it's time to move on from each other

These are just some of the examples. It's important to find out what happened and what caused the breakup so that you can avoid doing the same mistakes in your next relationship. It's also helpful when it comes to sticking to your decisions. There will come a time when you just want to give in and get back together with your ex. But this is something you want to avoid doing if you ever want to recover from the breakup.

You need to realize that sometimes, things just don't work out and the best solution is to move on from each other. You can't just stay in a relationship because you've been in it for years and you're afraid of starting over. You also need to think about yourself and be honest when it comes to figuring out if the relationship is worth keeping.

How to recover after a breakup and find happiness once more? It would be very difficult at first so you need to take your time. Remember not to cave in and beg your ex to come back to you. You need to stay strong if you ever want to move on.

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Sunday, January 20, 2013

7 Reasons to Do Community Service - How Community Service Can Help Your Success and Happiness

We all know that doing community service is a 'good' thing to do, but do you know why? And it's not just that you're helping the underprivileged or the environment - there are some real tangible benefits from helping others. This article discusses 7 of them.

1. Karma
"What goes around, comes around", "The Boomerang effect", "Karma" - what ever you want to call it, there is mounting evidence that when you do good things, good things happen to you. The Law of Attraction explains it as attracting good by doing good, and by maintaining the flow of good positive energy.

But more logically, if you are doing good things for your community, then you're focusing on positive attributes of yourself and others and this has real spin-offs in the form of a positive outlook on the rest of your life.

7 Reasons to Do Community Service - How Community Service Can Help Your Success and Happiness

2. Perspective and Passion
I've learnt from personal experience, when you're helping a young family pull together their lives after losing everything in a cyclone - you begin to understand what really matters. Community service of all kinds gives you this grounding perspective.

But from that grounding perspective comes passion. Passion to help others in the same situation and passion to protect your family and community from the same thing. And passion is such a wonderful and motivating force - you can achieve anything with passion!

3. Networking
Volunteer organizations attract people from a wide range of backgrounds and professions - students, unemployed, retirees, trades people, professionals and business executives - so volunteer organizations give you a fantastic opportunity to network!

And you never know what opportunities you'll encounter with this new network of contacts. We managed to renovate our house for half the cost through the contacts we've met in our community work! Not to mention, that's where I met my lovely partner!

4. Understanding People
Inevitably, community work involves working with other people - whether it's other community workers or the people you're helping. So the ability to communicate and understand these people is paramount for your own sanity, and of course your effectiveness.

And because the people in volunteer organizations come from a diverse background, you get to develop communication skills with a wide range of personalities. You can't pay for emotional intelligence training like this!

5. Learn New Skills
As community work actually involves doing something, you will gain skills in the particular 'something' of the organization you've joined. Whether it's tree planting, first aid and rescue skills, counseling, organizing, planning or even blanket knitting - you WILL learn something new.

And some skills such as first aid and planning and organizational skills you'll find helpful in other aspects of your life too!

6. Contribution to the greater good
Don't forget the big warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you know you've made a contribution - whether it's the environment or humanitarian causes, it all contributes to the greater good.

7. Your legacy
How do you want to be remembered? What do you want to see written on your tombstone or in your obituary?

We all want to be remembered as something special - a loving partner and parent, a successful career, a passion. But a community minded spirit is the BEST legacy.

So how can YOU help?

Well you can start by telling people about how you or someone you know contribute to the community or environment - even if this contribution seems small - and inspire others to do the same. Or read about what other people are doing and give them a boost by posting a supportive comment. Just check out http://www.achieve-goal-setting-success.com/community-contribution.html to share your story or post a comment about someone else's experience.

And of course, you can get more involved with your community or an environmental cause - you'll marvel at the difference just one person, YOU, can make. Here are some ideas to get started...

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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

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Monday, January 14, 2013

Serotonin - The Nutritional Way Of Increasing Happiness And Reducing Food Craving

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to lose weight or eat the foods that suit you, when you are happy? Along with maintaining your happiness through a positive mental attitude, you can actually stimulate it through the food you eat. Yes, that's right you can really eat to be happy!

It is all down to the foods you eat and their effect on the chemical reactions in your brain. Serotonin is a brain chemical, a type of messenger, that operates between nerve cells. It is aided in its use in the brain by vital fats from fish oils, cold-pressed flax and walnut oil. As a natural anti-depressant it can also reduces craving and comfort eating.

So where does this serotonin come from? Well, we make it in our body from an amino acid called tryptophan. Just think of the foods that give you a fast 'quick fix' high. The foods that offer this limited 'quick fix' serotonin effect include sweets, confectionary, crisps, white bread, white rice, alcohol and other processed foods.

Serotonin - The Nutritional Way Of Increasing Happiness And Reducing Food Craving

These particular amino acid rich foods have a quick release but short-term effect on the body. All, however, perpetuate your cravings when the initial serotonin 'high' dissipates. That makes them foods that increase your cravings as the tryptophan levels suddenly decrease. This is one reason why, when your brain is lacking in serotonin, you reach out for these tryptophan 'quick fix' foods as a comforter. There is no doubt that they do give you the desired boost of serotonin but it is temporary and therefore you are more likely to eat inappropriately.

By eating foods that steadily release tryptophan, the ones that don't give you a quick serotonin fix, you can naturally boost your long-term levels of serotonin. This in turn reduces your food cravings and raises your happiness levels. How great is that!

Maintaining correct levels of tryptophan is critical in balancing your moods and behaviour. It heals the unhappiness or depression that leads you back into inappropriate eating habits. In addition these 'slow release' tryptophan foods give you a long-term sense of well being. If levels in your body are normal, you won't crave or feel the need to overeat sugary and refined carbohydrate foods. Steady, long-term releasing tryptophan is found mainly in...

Turkey;

Chicken;

Fish;

Pheasant;

Partridge;

Cottage cheese;

Bananas;

Eggs;

Nuts;

Wheat germ;

Avocados;

Milk;

Cheese;

Legumes (peas, beans, pulses, soya);

In smaller amounts in potatoes, wholegrain breads, cereals, and brown rice. Eating a balanced diet that includes some of these foods can help raise your happiness motivators. With other amino acids competing with tryptophan to be absorbed into the body, it is helpful to raise insulin levels moderately. This can be achieved by eating small amounts of starchy foods such as brown rice, wholemeal bread, porridge oats and jacket potatoes, alongside protein foods. Sunlight is also essential for the development of serotonin in our bodies.

As a messenger in the brain, serotonin also needs healthy receptors in order for messages to be transmitted effectively. These chemical receptors are built principally from vital fats found mainly in oily fish (such as mackerel, salmon, tuna, herrings and sardine), fish oil supplements, cold-pressed flax and walnut oil.

Depression and negative moods can be significantly improved by daily introductions of these fats, along with slow releasing tryptophan rich foods, over a three to four month period. How's that for a great solution to healing your cravings and overeating. Eat your way to happiness and the weight you were born to be!

© Chrissie Webber 2008

Serotonin - The Nutritional Way Of Increasing Happiness And Reducing Food Craving
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Chrissie Webber is a published author, business coach and leadership trainer. As Managing Director of Life-Shapers Ltd she is developing her online weight-loss motivation company http://www.lifeshapers.co.uk into a franchise of Life Shapers Weight Management Coaches.

Her track record in the area of weight management is firstly a personal one. Following a lifetime of weight issues - at her heaviest, over 21 stone and a massive size 30 - she has personal experience of diets and their devastating effect on size and psyche.

With a background in nursing, psychology and business coaching, coupled with a lifetime of dieting, she developed and successfully used a series of models and tools that enhance weight loss motivation. Now over 5 dress sizes smaller and having sustained her weight loss for several years she has written a book about her motivational journey. Weight Loss, Life Gain - A Motivational Journey to Permanent Weight Loss was published in January 2008 by Accent Press.

Her Blog [http://www.chrissiewebber.co.uk] and free monthly eZine now offer support to others.

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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Medifast Diet Program - Does it Work?

The purpose of this article is to answer the question "is the Medifast diet a good diet for most people?". This will be achieved by sharing common experiences, opinions, and feelings about it. If you are considering this diet as a weight loss solution over the Christmas and New Year period, this article will help you make your decision.

The Medifast weight loss program places your body in a metabolic state called ketosis. This is when your body is deceived into turning on itself and burning its own fat reserves. That's the reason you eat so often on this diet. It keeps your metabolism regularly burning fat over a longer period of time than can be achieved on many of the fad diets.

The Medifast diet is an incredible way to lose weight and to keep the weight off for the long-term. Not only can it help you to drop the pounds, it also can help you if you are experiencing physical health problems such as diabetes. Diabetics regularly need to lose weight in order to preserve their health. However, since it is also essential to eat certain types of food because of the way your body creates insulin, it can be difficult to settle on the best way to lose weight.

Medifast Diet Program - Does it Work?

This diet has a wide variety of comprehensive meal plans and an extremely helpful support structure. You are likely to find that losing weight with Medifast is much easier than any other diet you may have tried previously. If you're ready to finally get the weight off, be sure to read as much information in advance. Make sure to consult your physician before taking the plunge into better health for you and your family's future happiness.

The Medifast company points out that on it's popular 5 plus 1 plan it is common to lose two to five pounds per week. On the upper end, you may lose up to 20 pounds in 1 month. If you're on the very lower end, you may lose approx 8 pounds. Either way, these figures show that's you can achieve your goals with this diet. Most people would be very happy with these results. If you lost "only" eight pounds per month steadily, that would be 96 pounds in a years time, or 48 pounds in six months. For overweight and morbidly obese people, this is enormously life changing.

Are you still asking yourself the question "is the Medifast diet regime a good diet or not?". The answer is a definite yes. Medifast is the finest diet and weight loss system this author has seen in action, in terms of ease of use, convenience, and effectiveness. It has become a way of life now for so many people struggling daily with grind of being overweight or obese.

Medifast Diet Program - Does it Work?
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